a dream- day 30

I have always, always had the dream of sitting on a covered porch in the mountains in the West somewhere, drinking a cup of tea, coffee, or wine, sitting with my husband as the grey of dusk settles in around us, the blue lake in front of us begins to shimmer and shine, mountains tower above the pasture where we see our cows and horses grazing content, peaceful. The calves are still nursing and foals are still with their mothers, it is fall. Leaves are brown, the grass is brown, "It is almost weaning time," I say.

My husband nods and we still gaze out on our land, hand in hand, on our rockers. We might even have the grandkids there that weekend.
Maybe...dreaming it so...

Day 29

Hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.

I hope to lose some weight. I hope to clarify my reproductive future, I am planning another half-marathon, I am dreaming of traveling to some exotic location. I am hoping for inspiration and passion to drive me forward and help me to really live. I am planning on teaching, writing, loving, living. I hope for health for everyone in my life inlcuding me. I am dreaming of a time when I can see my girl in my dreams again soon. I miss you my girl.

Day 28- what's in your handbag

since I dont carry a handbag, I can say nothing! I do carry a checkbook/wallet. I do have a cell phone. Sometimes, I wish I had a gorgeous handbag to carry things in, but I find I just don't need one. When I am travelling away from home, I find I need a handbag, in it goes my wallet, chapstick, phone, ipod, hair ties, I have looonnngg hair, small travel brush, gum.

A New Day - Day 26 and 27

Day 26
Every day is busy and every day is different for me. If kids are in school, then I am teaching Pilates and riding horses. I ride my younger horse, because she need to be ridden. I was having a friend ride her when I was pregnant, now I am back to riding again and it feels great. Although, i would much rather be have a healthy baby in my belly. Riding for me is such a fantastic way to unwind and de-stress and get out of my head for a while. You have to be present and in the present moment when you ride.
I love a teaching Pilates and also doing Pilates. It has helped me so much. I also love walking and running.

My husband's schedule is all over the place, so we really rely on me most of the time for kids activities and running around for them. He does try to help when he can, and he really loves taking them to practice. It is busy with after school stuff going on and homework. Then, some social activities during the weekend, love the weekend! Right now it is going to football games, season tickets and college football games too.

Day 27.
My worst habit since I lost my baby...getting lost in thought , wondering where my baby is, who she would be and what the hell happened as to why she died. really, just getting lost in my head is my worst habit. I hope it gets better.

On that note...I am having the hardest time with "should I have another baby?" I am thinking sao hard these days, my head hurts. Should I stop trying to have another baby? Should i just try one more time?

Day 25 - On track!

My day begins with making coffee! I love coffee! Breakfast for the kids, if its a school day, lunches are made in the am., while kids munch on breakfast we talk about the plans for the day, reiterate what is good behavior, discuss the after school activities. We have something every day after school!

Anyway... coffee, lunches, conversations. Kids go to school on the bus, right outside our door! I feed the dogs, feed the chickens, feed the horses and water everyone. I give my mare shots, and check my horses feet. I sometimes clean stalls if they are inside that night (sometimes the horses stay outside the barn at night) I comeback up to the house eat something for breakfast. I do 30 minutes on the computer, some bookkeeping. I am a bookkeeper for my husband's company. Then at approximately 10:00 am., I am out the door to teach Pilates. I teach Pilates part time too! Then, I am done around 1:00 sometimes 2:00. I race home in time for kids to get home from school, after school snacks, homework and rest. Then, we are out the door at 5:00 and we do not get home until 8:00 pm. Crazy!! Even when I think about it, it is so busy and I technically do not have a full time job! That is pretty much every day, I sometimes have to work on husband's company books at night just before bed time and I also look at blogs, read my book, or sometimes watch TV.
Bed time: for kids 9:00. Usually unwind with husband between 9:00 and 10 ish. Bed!

Day 23-24 and...

I have so much to say today. I am looking outside my window and it's fall, it is gorgeous out. Trees with leaves all different colors; red, orange, yellow, some green. I love fall, I love riding my horses or walking the dogs and hearing the leaves crunch under foot. the blue sky, the crisp air...
My mare is pregnant, she is 5 months. I saw the baby kick today! I was so very happy for her. This is her first foal. She will be a great Mama.

I just keep thinking how I should have Jolene in the Ergo with me today, she would be saying words and pointing to things..."Look, Mam, Mama, the leaves, Mama, the dogs..." I can imagine her with brown curls and a sweet smile on her face.

I miss you little girl, today is hard without you.

Day 23- You tube video. the one where the baby is laughing and can't stop. my kids love that one too. I also love the of the twins in the crib together laughing at each other.

Day24- Where I live. I live in the country. Not too far from a bigger town, which is close to a smaller city. I love living on the land, and living out in the country. I also love where I live, out in the West of the US.

falling behind...days 14-22

Day 14- When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron. I love self-help books, this is one of my favorites.

Day-15- I love, love my home. I love my kitchen! I love cooking! Cooking is one of my favorite creative interests!

Day16- Cowgirls Don't Cry. Brooks and Dunn. A classic country song. I do love country, not all of it. But, the classics are great.

Day17- William Matthews. Moving Bulls. My favorite thing about the piece is the color blue. that color he captured is my favorite color! I also love the composition and the subject, well, you may know by now my love of horses!


Day18- My wedding. I loved my wedding. I was sooo young! So Hopeful and so excited to be marrying my best friend and greatest love. He is a strong man, good values, friendly, happy, genuine. I loved my wedding, though, if I got married now, it would be outside in the mountains during the late summer under a gorgeous sky, not inside a beautiful church, my mom and family wanted that!

Day19- I can ride horses. Cutting horses. Cutting is when you cut a cow away from the herd and keep the cow separated from the herd. You are judged on the time and run, and how good your look doing it. I am always striving to do better. And, really it's my horses talent. I guess my talent would be listening to my horse and seeing what she needs from me.

Day20- I love to knit, knitting is good hobby.

Day21- Chicken enchiladas

I do not use recipes. It drives many of the people close to me crazy! But, I taste things as I go and add spices, seasoning, ingredients as I taste.

one roasted or boiled chicken.
tear chicken apart into chunks.
brown onion in butter or olive oil or oilve oil/butter for taste.
add chicken
add enchilada sauce- canned or from scratch, scratch tastes way better.
build enchilada casserole in a medium sized dish, sauce on the bottom, cheese, chicken/sauce mix, then corn tortilla, then add chicken/sauce and cheese. top with cheese.

Add as many layers as you want, add any cooked (steamed) veggie, carrots, squash, peppers, onion...could go vegetarian or not...

Add chips, olives, lettuce, tomato, avos...

Day22-
www.dailycoyote.net I loved going to this site after my loss because I felt better reading it. It reminded me that life goes on and life happens no matter what is going on.It helped me to see that life is here and now. I am trying so hard not to focus on my grief every minute of every day,and the daily coyote provided a glimpse into a world that was not that different from mine but it reminded me that life goes on...so hard to explain.

fictional book day 13.

Ah- I have just the book. It is a book called Kristin Lavransdatter by Sigrid Undset. I was named after the main character. My mom's favorite too! I loved it because it takes place during the Middle Ages and it follows the life of a woman living in Scandinavia. A gorgeous novel, the main character has 8 kids, one of her children dying in infancy and she has miscarriages and a stillbirth. There are many references to stillbirths with other characters as well. That does stand out to me now, but I loved it before Jolene.

Day 12

something you are ocd about...

interesting question since I am not really ocd, but if it was one thing I guess it would be keeping my floors clean, frequently barefoot and have dogs in home and live in the country, it is very difficult to keep clean and mud, sand, rock, and yuck free.

Days 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 photos...coming soon!

Day 6

On a roll...

In no particular order...

1. Tea- steaming and mug in hand.

2. Smell of coffee, bacon and blueberry waffles, reminds me of my grandmother.

3. Husbands hands

4. Holding a baby

5. My horse's scent

6. My dogs

7. Snowboarding

8. sitting by a warm fire.

9. A bath

10. Sitting by any sort of water, a river, a lake and especially the ocean.

11. Cleaning stalls- yes! It's true , it does calm me.

12. A barn full of hay.

13. Riding my horse- trail riding, sunny day but cool in the fall. A nice lope in the hills near my house.

14. Snuggling my kids.

15. Writing

16. Reading a great book.

17. folding laundry.

18. gardening

19. when fly season is over!

20. Husband's embrace.

Day 4,5

Isabel Allende Island Beneath the Sea. Gorgeous piece of writing, Zarite, the main character and her life in what we now call Haiti, and her life following in New Orleans. Love Barbara Kingsolver. I really liked her new one, The Lacuna.

My fave book of all time, has to be The Old Man and the Sea. By Ernest Hemingway. My favorite book has not changed since my loss, but I do now love love self-help books. Favorites there are going to be Tibetan-American buddhist perspectives on everything.

I also loved An Exact Replica of My Imagination. I devoured this book and sobbed into the pages, felt a real connection to Elizabeth McCrackin's words.

Favorite author of all time so far, Alexandra Fuller. If you have yet to read her, she writes with consideration and grace about subjects that are neither pretty or nice, but so true. a genius and lives in Wyoming. She was born in England, grew up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe).

Day 5. Favorite quotes

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.

-Virginia Woolf

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.

-Bernice Johnson Reagon

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.

- Buddha

I truly don't have this perspective yet, but i am working on it.

Keep Smiling and Viya Con Dios

- My Dad, always said these things to me and I have always remembered them. He also told me, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Love you Dad.

Day 3

I thought of a TV program finally! I like drama so I loved Spartacus, but truly what got me laughing again was the politically incorrect and not so smart Chelsea Lately. I also have loved Six Feet Under, and my new show which is ok Parenthood.

30 days

Angie at Still Life With Circles thought of this great idea of writing 30 posts in 30 days on our blogs, I will be joining her. I love the idea, especially since October kicks off

Pregnancy Loss and Awareness month. Plus, it will get me writing and reading some more. I do want to continue blogging, talking about everything here helps me wrap my head around what is going on. And, I think it is so important to keep talking about all of these issues, so many families face the devastating loss of a pregnancy and infant. On that note, I loved reading the Position Statement for the MISS foundation on Dr Cacciatore's blog. I found it to be very helpful for finding the words that I can use when someone says "why didn't you just go on bed rest?" (maybe she would be here). Maybe, in addition to dealing with our own guilt and grief, we also need to educate people about pregnancy loss and the emotional aftermath it leaves for the families dealing with the loss of a dream?

Here is the list:

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

I'll start today, but I'm a little late, so I will do the first 2.

1. I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan. I have always loved that song. pretty hard to listen too without crying.

2. Loved Up, the part about the miscarriage. I love Legends of the Fall. What can I say, I love horses, cows, gorgeous vistas in Montana, and drama. It stands out to me in a different way now, miscarriage and infertility and how devastating they can be for families.

09.17.2010

I am feeling better.

Defeated

Angry

Sad

Confused

Scared

Unlucky

All of those, and still my kids and animals need me. What a relief it is to have them.

Miscarriage feels so different to me than stillbirth. Stillbirth for me was such a darker, scarier and totally overwhelming place. I felt guilt, sadness, deflated, full of milk, in pain physically, and certainly grieving.

Miscarriage to me is different because the grief is not as all consuming or maybe the reminder of pregnancy goes away faster, I feel like I am almost back to my pre-pregnant self. Whereas with stillbirth I was still in the throws of sobbing, puffy faced, in pain, dripping milk, missing my baby who was almost here.

I saw my baby, but he fit in my hand, he had so much longer to grow in my belly. I miss you little baby and I miss you Jolene.

I have been reading Faces of Loss Faces of Hope. A few years ago, that website would have been the scariest place for me to visit on the web, now I can't stop reading the stories of women who have experienced loss. I also think of the 1 in 4 women who do experience miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. It feels to me that loss is part of birth and a huge part of the reproductive years in our lives. And it reminds me of how little control we have over getting pregnant, birth and death.

Thank you for your nice comments. I so appreciate them.

No more "rainbow" baby

I went in for the NT scan test at 12.5 weeks, our little baby had a gorgeous heartbeat and was moving around, I was so happy. I did have a cry in the office about my stillbirth because I was so nervous of not seeing a heart beat, it was a good release of emotions really because I was so happy this baby was going to make it. 10 days later I had small brown spot, I thought nothing to worry about but I 'll call to make sure.

I went in and we did a scan, there he was, my still baby, no heartbeat.

My husband is taking this really hard, I hope I do not lose him. He was really on board with having just one more when we got pregnant with Jolene, and then this baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby, hope and happiness after going through HELL. He thinks it is his fault, he may be grieving this more than me right now.

On this time in my life, things seem so out of my control, getting pregnant, staying pregnant and now having a gorgeous baby in my arms 9 months later. It feels so totally out of my control and I cannot trust my body or even hope at this time.

I am so thankful for the two children I have, I am so glad that I had kids young, and my pregnancies were happy, normal and healthy. My children are keeping me alive and moving forward as well as this great fear of losing my mind and my husband.

Keep kicking me down, I guess I have not learned my lesson yet.

The End...

I was 14.5 weeks pregnant, yesterday that is, today no heartbeat beating in my tiny little baby's chest. Not AGAIN. Yes, AGAIN.

The tears will come, the pain will come, has it yet to go away?

D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

We did no tell anyone I was pregnant, not even our kids knew because we wanted to spare them this pain again.

Thank God.

Dear Baby,

I miss you my little star, I was already dreaming of your name and writing it down, I love you, find your sister and give her a hug.

love always, your Mama.

This is the End of my blogging, I don't know where to go from here, where should I go?

One year ago...

It's been year that I saw your face and felt your body outside mine. You were a beauty baby, I was so sad. I so miss you and I love you. I hope you they have birthday cake in heaven, you will love it, it is sweet and lovely, just like you.

Please come to me in my dreams again soon.

love, m

June 8, 2009

It's almost her day. It's almost the day I would see my baby and say goodbye to her little body. Ofcourse, I would be saying goodbye to the dream of a new child, my Jolene Marie Grace, over the next months and year. I can't believe it's almost been a year, I am always going to miss her.

Goodbye my baby
Dreamgirl
You are my dreamgirl
I miss you, I wish I heard you laugh, I wish I heard you cry
I wish I nursed you, I wish I was watching you learn to walk
I wish you could feel the love of your brother and sister
I wish for you a life, a life of ups and downs, of pain and love
I wish for you a life
I wish it for you and not just for me, I wished for you
and prayed sweet whispers for you to come into our lives.
And you did, and then you left us with our hopes and dreams for you shattered.
Our dreams for you were to be here breathing. I would be proud to hear your breath and watch your chest move up and down and feel your warm skin against mine.
You are always going to be my dreamgirl.
I love you Jolene Marie Grace- I hope we will meet again someday soon.
love, xo

June 3, 2010

Almost one year. I think I remember this time last year. A big pregnant belly, people told me I looked beautiful and happy. I was, I was expecting a gorgeous new baby, my little boy was turning 8. It was a summer. I did have a nagging feeling that something was not right with my pregnancy. I had not been feeling her nudge or kick at me all the time like my two other babies did. I missed her kicking me. I played music and drank cold water and a soft nudge would come. I thought everything was really ok, but as it turns out this was a sign that she was slipping through my fingers like fairy dust she was just a dream that could slip through. I miss her.

I miss her. I love her.

I am sad today for her and really for me. Because it took us a year to get pregnant with her and now my body does not want to pregnant again. It is really sad this journey of baby loss followed by infertility. Is it a sign? Should I not have another? I guess I will just let this thought go too, let it go and see what happens...?

Thinking of all you mothers who have a had baby in your arms and you love them without condition with all your heart. You heart truly does live outside your chest. I do know that.

On dreams

Lately, I have been remembering dreams again. I remember them so vividly these days. They are all about parenting, mothering an infant. Most of the time, I am nursing and holding a wee babe. The babe is nestled in the crook of my arm, and we are staring at each other, the baby is nursing and laughing and smiling. The baby always has dark, curly, brown hair, and a gorgeous smile.

I wonder if this is Jolene coming to me?

Is this a different child who is waiting to be born from me?

I don't know which, all I know is a I have an overwhelming urge to parent and love and mother an infant. Maybe it's my hormones?

My postpartum hormones telling me you should have a baby right now, you should be nursing, so here you go, a child who is in your dreams... I don't know...?

Today

I am here, I am breathing, the sun rose, the children woke up, the dogs needed to go out, the rooster began his good morning song. The coffee was brewed, lunches made, kids on the bus. And here I am.
Life goes on. And, I miss her, I miss my baby. She should be here laughing at me and eating oatmeal.

Life goes on, and I am sitting here thinking about how life does go on. Is it time that changes things or is it life that just goes on? I still have a heart full of love, still have a heart full of sadness, yet I am here breathing. That is kind of amazing to me. The fact that I did not melt away.
I still feel anxiety attack me in the middle of the night, it shakes me awake and I lie wondering why? Why me, why her? Why us? I am working really hard on noticing when anxiety creeps in and takes hold of my mind, it is such an unhealthy feeling, I begin to question all that I am, my marriage, my self. I am here, my heart is pure, it is love, it is sad.
What is is that heals us, is it waking every day and greiving? Is it waking every day and loving through grief? It is shaky, it is groundless, it is not here or there, who am I now that I am recognizing "this me?" This me who knows how horrible death is, this me who knows that death comes knocking on my door, death comes and I watch death kidnap my child from my arms, my belly, my heart, my dreams.
All I can think is have I loved today? Have I shown the world that I have loved? I am going to keep trying, keep showing the world my broken, loving heart. It is exposed and I have found it again.
I think I will go throw hay to the hungry horses, scatter some scratch for the chickens, go to work, and just keep breathing.

My husband

I wrote the poem below this post and I shared it with my dear sweet husband. Here is his response, via text because he was in the OR working.

"She is watching over us. I am sorry I could not protect her. I let you down. I am sorry."

Those words
have me
in tears
My heart is
broken.

He truly does grieve different than me. How am I surviving this? Am I surviving this? Is this how life is to be?
Is my heart going to be broken forever?

Thank you for listening, whoever is out there.

Where's my baby?
Is she warm?
Is she safe?
Where is she?
She's here,
Oh, she's so tiny,
her skin is peeling
off
oh, look at
her fingers, they're long and pretty
where is my baby
I closed my eyes to see if it was
a nightmare
but when they opened
I wondered
Where is my baby?

The one whose body I made
Whose body bumped me and nudged me
The one I held close
In my belly
In my arms
In my head
Where's my baby
When you find her, could you please find my heart
It has been missing too since I cannot find her, my baby

Friends

I just read a wonderful post by stilllifewithcircles called a Brave New World. It was so wonderfully written about who our friends are and who we are after a devastating loss. It was about having some friends who simply are either too anxious about their own stressful lives to act compassionately towards a friend, or are not compassionate at all, and ultimately letting those friends out of our lives. It was about having really good friends who acted appropriately after our babies died. They were the ones who were wonderful and compassionate and said, "I'm sorry." I think most people just fit into the too lazy or preoccupied by their own lives to recognize another person's pain, or they are too saddened by terrible news they don't know how to respond. So, I try not to take it serious when a friend behaves in a bizarre way towards me after the loss of Jolene. But, as with many devastating life altering events, I became a new person. I changed. I know who my friends are, I know who I want to be around, I know who I think maybe its best that we're not friends and I also know that there are some people who cannot imagine that bad things happen to good people every day all the time.
Just the other day, a mother of one of my child's friends in school saw me and came up to me to give me a hug and say how sorry she was, she even cried with me. It was so nice of her. I thought that she either did not know about our baby or did not know what to say because this was the first time she has said a word to me in months. I was a bit baffled by her behavior at first, but then a light came on for me that she understood, she had compassion for me and my family, she just did not know how/what to say.

My wish and hope for today is that I choose compassion and joy and light.

Who I am

In addition to being a mama and wife, I am also an avid animal lover and rancher. We breed and raise gorgeous quarter horses in Colorado. We have 7 chickens and had three dogs, our dog Jesse died a couple of months ago. I love getting my fresh eggs everyday and feeding my horses, it takes a lot to go out in the middle of a blizzard and freezing temps to feed animals, but I do it because they depend on me. I love them all. Animals have really helped me throughout this period of grieving my baby. Even a couple of days after my c-section, I continued their care, with the help of a lot of people. But, cleaning stalls, throwing hay, and riding have been my therapy.

I tried breeding my mare Josie a few years ago, and she lost her filly at 10 months, a beautiful red dun filly. A horse is pregnant for 11 months, so her filly was born early and was stillborn. She was gorgeous, a perfect little horse with a beautiful head and good conformation. We did a necropsy that very day with our vet, we cut her open and looked at her insides, her umbilical cord was twisted and had fluid in between the twists and knots in the cord. Other than her liver looking odd and her lower intestines looking odd, they looked congested, she looked perfect. The results came back a week later and they concluded that the baby filly died due to a twisted cord a "cord accident."

Josie, my mare had birthed her dead baby by herself in a snowy field and stood over her lifeless body and protected her, that was how I found them together, there was the afterbirth still hanging from Josie and her sweet baby in the icy ground. I burst into tears for her and what I remember from that day was how her whole herd grieved for the baby when we took her away to be examined and buried, all their heads hang low and I remember how Josie called to her baby the entire night, none of them ate their hay and they just looked sad. My heart broke open for her that day, she will always be with me.
Fast forward a couple years and now its me who had the baby die, and now my mare Josie is helping me through grieving my baby.


This is Josie.

2010

Happy New Year! Goodbye 2009, hello 2010.

Maybe a baby
maybe not
all I know is love
all I know is change

I miss you baby, I miss you little Jolene, you've inspired me to grow, to change, to live, I just wish you were here.