tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47597426534221698122024-03-05T18:16:53.283-08:00cowgirls don't crykbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.comBlogger37125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-47553528835635317262012-08-08T21:17:00.003-07:002012-08-08T21:17:38.909-07:00its been awhileI can't believe I let June 9 go without a post saying "happy birthday" to my Jolene. I hiked to where we scattered her ashes in a river with her little brother and her Dad.<br />
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I miss her. I miss who she could,would be.<br />
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She was here, she lived, she grew, she moved, she existed.<br />
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She was my baby.<br />
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<br />
Happy Birthday Jolene. Wish you lived.<br />
<br />
***And, with this post, I think my this blog has come to an end... I will always love you baby.***kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-80925210191206051582012-01-05T09:28:00.000-08:002012-01-05T10:04:11.737-08:00A baby boy is born...<div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div>It is January 2012, it has been 2.5 years since my little girl was born, she would be 2 and a half, talking, laughing, dancing, playing, she is also a big sister.<div><br /></div><div>We had a gorgeous little boy born early at 36.4 weeks, but healthy and big at 7 lbs even in early December. He is growing and thriving and I am so grateful. My pregnancy was full of anxiety, and joy. On the one hand, I was so grateful to be able to experience another pregnancy with a kicking baby and a baby who had a beautiful heartbeat. On the other hand, I had daily anxious thoughts about his safe arrival. I began my pregnancy with a regular ob, and in the end began seeing a high risk MFM, which was so amazing. The twice weekly NST's were both nerve wracking and helpful. It simply was the longest 9 months of my life.</div><div><br /></div><div>I went into preterm labor, starting at 31 weeks, something I have never done, I think it was the stress. They stopped the labor three times after I had gone into L&D at 31 weeks, I was on procardia for contractions until my water broke. </div><div></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div>Even when my water broke, I was not joyous, only deeply concerned, thinking things like, will his cord prolapse? Will my placenta pull away from the uterus, will my c-sectioned belly rupture? The drive to the hospital, I prayed all the while knowing that anything can happen, it happened before, remember?</div><div><br /></div><div>And so, I stand on the other side of her stillbirth with empty arms for her and the dreams I had for her, I still miss her so. And I stand here with a new life, a little boy who I hope and dream for, I hope he has a beautiful life. The grief over her is still there. The joy of this new baby is there too. Here is the little dude, going to run a few errands with his Mom, he is a happy little baby and I am so thankful for him. There is so much more to write, but for now...</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiRLkUjM4KslN-fdFcQv02Gpz3kl_ujdR5JopldSCEEI0ZRJKyXp0nAZBN6Jh60OblnXgN-Rx-jmruZbKIToEeAgFEzyXWPaZYeGNDYrtyn4nedHGG4mVLJOCM3VXnTEvN2R3RcAGM6hdew/s320/b.ryan.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5694206825872395666" style="display: block; margin-top: 0px; margin-right: auto; margin-bottom: 10px; margin-left: auto; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 239px; height: 320px; " /></div><div><br /></div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-13021488094573803862011-03-04T07:18:00.000-08:002011-03-04T07:28:48.920-08:00thinking on something...I have been thinking and reading and working and living...been thinking about posting and writing a lot, I come up with words and stories in my head and words come out to play for awhile then they're gone again.<br />But, alas. I always have three words that sum up how I feel these days.<br /><br />Her name was Jolene.<br /><br />Her name was Jolene. I got pregnant, yeah! After a year of trying, we got pregnant, I grew big and pretty with a baby in my belly. Every appointment was lovely and everything looked normal and fine. We were having a baby. Our two older kids knew her and felt her kick and they were excited too.<br />Just the other day, my girl and I were shopping for a birthday present for her friend and we saw a really cute fuzzy lamb eared jacket, and she says with a proud smile, "Mama, that would look really cute on Jolene, too bad we can't see her in it though," I did not know what to say other than, "Yes, it would." Then she looks down at the jacket in her hand and she says,"But she's dead."<br /><br />That about sums it up. You know you are a part of the club when you are engorged with milk, your arms ache for your child, and then you see her on the table in front of you in a box of ashes.<br /><br />been thinking about others out there as well...I hope for peace and happiness for you all too.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-23658613963428715192010-10-30T15:30:00.000-07:002010-10-30T15:39:29.330-07:00a dream- day 30I have always, always had the dream of sitting on a covered porch in the mountains in the West somewhere, drinking a cup of tea, coffee, or wine, sitting with my husband as the grey of dusk settles in around us, the blue lake in front of us begins to shimmer and shine, mountains tower above the pasture where we see our cows and horses grazing content, peaceful. The calves are still nursing and foals are still with their mothers, it is fall. Leaves are brown, the grass is brown, "It is almost weaning time," I say.<br /><br />My husband nods and we still gaze out on our land, hand in hand, on our rockers. We might even have the grandkids there that weekend. <br />Maybe...dreaming it so...kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-87951297986910028632010-10-29T12:04:00.000-07:002010-10-29T12:12:10.280-07:00Day 29Hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.<br /><br />I hope to lose some weight. I hope to clarify my reproductive future, I am planning another half-marathon, I am dreaming of traveling to some exotic location. I am hoping for inspiration and passion to drive me forward and help me to really live. I am planning on teaching, writing, loving, living. I hope for health for everyone in my life inlcuding me. I am dreaming of a time when I can see my girl in my dreams again soon. I miss you my girl.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-20196939278233580382010-10-28T14:03:00.000-07:002010-10-28T14:10:06.460-07:00Day 28- what's in your handbagsince I dont carry a handbag, I can say nothing! I do carry a checkbook/wallet. I do have a cell phone. Sometimes, I wish I had a gorgeous handbag to carry things in, but I find I just don't need one. When I am travelling away from home, I find I need a handbag, in it goes my wallet, chapstick, phone, ipod, hair ties, I have looonnngg hair, small travel brush, gum.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-63259299807180397012010-10-27T12:36:00.000-07:002010-10-27T13:12:14.426-07:00A New Day - Day 26 and 27Day 26<br />Every day is busy and every day is different for me. If kids are in school, then I am teaching Pilates and riding horses. I ride my younger horse, because she need to be ridden. I was having a friend ride her when I was pregnant, now I am back to riding again and it feels great. Although, i would much rather be have a healthy baby in my belly. Riding for me is such a fantastic way to unwind and de-stress and get out of my head for a while. You have to be present and in the present moment when you ride.<br />I love a teaching Pilates and also doing Pilates. It has helped me so much. I also love walking and running.<br /><br />My husband's schedule is all over the place, so we really rely on me most of the time for kids activities and running around for them. He does try to help when he can, and he really loves taking them to practice. It is busy with after school stuff going on and homework. Then, some social activities during the weekend, love the weekend! Right now it is going to football games, season tickets and college football games too.<br /><br />Day 27.<br />My worst habit since I lost my baby...getting lost in thought , wondering where my baby is, who she would be and what the hell happened as to why she died. really, just getting lost in my head is my worst habit. I hope it gets better.<br /><br />On that note...I am having the hardest time with "should I have another baby?" I am thinking sao hard these days, my head hurts. Should I stop trying to have another baby? Should i just try one more time?kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-35297382629423396232010-10-25T15:00:00.000-07:002010-10-25T15:21:05.475-07:00Day 25 - On track!My day begins with making coffee! I love coffee! Breakfast for the kids, if its a school day, lunches are made in the am., while kids munch on breakfast we talk about the plans for the day, reiterate what is good behavior, discuss the after school activities. We have something every day after school!<br /><br />Anyway... coffee, lunches, conversations. Kids go to school on the bus, right outside our door! I feed the dogs, feed the chickens, feed the horses and water everyone. I give my mare shots, and check my horses feet. I sometimes clean stalls if they are inside that night (sometimes the horses stay outside the barn at night) I comeback up to the house eat something for breakfast. I do 30 minutes on the computer, some bookkeeping. I am a bookkeeper for my husband's company. Then at approximately 10:00 am., I am out the door to teach Pilates. I teach Pilates part time too! Then, I am done around 1:00 sometimes 2:00. I race home in time for kids to get home from school, after school snacks, homework and rest. Then, we are out the door at 5:00 and we do not get home until 8:00 pm. Crazy!! Even when I think about it, it is so busy and I technically do not have a full time job! That is pretty much every day, I sometimes have to work on husband's company books at night just before bed time and I also look at blogs, read my book, or sometimes watch TV. <br />Bed time: for kids 9:00. Usually unwind with husband between 9:00 and 10 ish. Bed!kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-28225763669387033362010-10-24T11:43:00.000-07:002010-10-24T13:12:54.471-07:00Day 23-24 and...I have so much to say today. I am looking outside my window and it's fall, it is gorgeous out. Trees with leaves all different colors; red, orange, yellow, some green. I love fall, I love riding my horses or walking the dogs and hearing the leaves crunch under foot. the blue sky, the crisp air...<br />My mare is pregnant, she is 5 months. I saw the baby kick today! I was so very happy for her. This is her first foal. She will be a great Mama.<br /><br />I just keep thinking how I should have Jolene in the Ergo with me today, she would be saying words and pointing to things..."Look, Mam, Mama, the leaves, Mama, the dogs..." I can imagine her with brown curls and a sweet smile on her face.<br /><br />I miss you little girl, today is hard without you.<br /><br />Day 23- You tube video. the one where the baby is laughing and can't stop. my kids love that one too. I also love the of the twins in the crib together laughing at each other.<br /><br />Day24- Where I live. I live in the country. Not too far from a bigger town, which is close to a smaller city. I love living on the land, and living out in the country. I also love where I live, out in the West of the US.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-76837249532694082252010-10-22T11:27:00.000-07:002010-10-22T12:48:55.496-07:00falling behind...days 14-22Day 14- <em>When Things Fall Apart, </em>Pema Chodron. I love self-help books, this is one of my favorites.<br /><br />Day-15- I love, love my home. I love my kitchen! I love cooking! Cooking is one of my favorite creative interests!<br /><br />Day16- <em>Cowgirls Don't Cry. Brooks and Dunn</em>. A classic country song. I do love country, not all of it. But, the classics are great.<br /><br />Day17- William Matthews. <a href="http://www.williammatthewsgallery.com/">Moving Bulls</a>. My favorite thing about the piece is the color blue. that color he captured is my favorite color! I also love the composition and the subject, well, you may know by now my love of horses!<br /><br /><br />Day18- My wedding. I loved my wedding. I was sooo young! So Hopeful and so excited to be marrying my best friend and greatest love. He is a strong man, good values, friendly, happy, genuine. I loved my wedding, though, if I got married now, it would be outside in the mountains during the late summer under a gorgeous sky, not inside a beautiful church, my mom and family wanted that!<br /><br />Day19- I can ride horses. Cutting horses. Cutting is when you cut a cow away from the herd and keep the cow separated from the herd. You are judged on the time and run, and how good your look doing it. I am always striving to do better. And, really it's my horses talent. I guess my talent would be listening to my horse and seeing what she needs from me.<br /><br />Day20- I love to knit, knitting is good hobby.<br /><br />Day21- Chicken enchiladas<br /><br />I do not use recipes. It drives many of the people close to me crazy! But, I taste things as I go and add spices, seasoning, ingredients as I taste.<br /><br />one roasted or boiled chicken.<br />tear chicken apart into chunks.<br />brown onion in butter or olive oil or oilve oil/butter for taste.<br />add chicken<br />add enchilada sauce- canned or from scratch, scratch tastes way better.<br />build enchilada casserole in a medium sized dish, sauce on the bottom, cheese, chicken/sauce mix, then corn tortilla, then add chicken/sauce and cheese. top with cheese.<br /><br />Add as many layers as you want, add any cooked (steamed) veggie, carrots, squash, peppers, onion...could go vegetarian or not...<br /><br />Add chips, olives, lettuce, tomato, avos...<br /><br />Day22-<br /><a href="http://www.dailycoyote.net/">www.dailycoyote.net</a> I loved going to this site after my loss because I felt better reading it. It reminded me that life goes on and life happens no matter what is going on.It helped me to see that life is here and now. I am trying so hard not to focus on my grief every minute of every day,and the daily coyote provided a glimpse into a world that was not that different from mine but it reminded me that life goes on...so hard to explain.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-41591465856063671062010-10-13T05:46:00.001-07:002010-10-13T06:04:30.254-07:00fictional book day 13.Ah- I have just the book. It is a book called <i>Kristin Lavransdatter </i>by Sigrid Undset. I was named after the main character. My mom's favorite too! I loved it because it takes place during the Middle Ages and it follows the life of a woman living in Scandinavia. A gorgeous novel, the main character has 8 kids, one of her children dying in infancy and she has miscarriages and a stillbirth. There are many references to stillbirths with other characters as well. That does stand out to me now, but I loved it before Jolene.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-35479446860942681592010-10-13T05:38:00.001-07:002010-10-13T05:45:53.116-07:00Day 12something you are ocd about...<div><br /></div><div>interesting question since I am not really ocd, but if it was one thing I guess it would be keeping my floors clean, frequently barefoot and have dogs in home and live in the country, it is very difficult to keep clean and mud, sand, rock, and yuck free. </div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-15134413842446110432010-10-13T05:36:00.000-07:002010-10-13T05:37:53.914-07:00Days 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 photos...coming soon!kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-8163151635773153782010-10-10T08:48:00.001-07:002010-10-10T08:57:23.361-07:00Day 6On a roll...<div><br /></div><div>In no particular order...</div><div><br /></div><div>1. Tea- steaming and mug in hand. </div><div>2. Smell of coffee, bacon and blueberry waffles, reminds me of my grandmother.</div><div>3. Husbands hands</div><div>4. Holding a baby </div><div>5. My horse's scent</div><div>6. My dogs</div><div>7. Snowboarding</div><div>8. sitting by a warm fire.</div><div>9. A bath</div><div>10. Sitting by any sort of water, a river, a lake and especially the ocean.</div><div>11. Cleaning stalls- yes! It's true , it does calm me.</div><div>12. A barn full of hay.</div><div>13. Riding my horse- trail riding, sunny day but cool in the fall. A nice lope in the hills near my house.</div><div>14. Snuggling my kids.</div><div>15. Writing</div><div>16. Reading a great book.</div><div>17. folding laundry.</div><div>18. gardening</div><div>19. when fly season is over!</div><div>20. Husband's embrace.</div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-31919751264146746732010-10-10T08:21:00.001-07:002010-10-10T21:03:49.290-07:00Day 4,5Isabel Allende I<i>sland Beneath the Sea. </i>Gorgeous piece of writing, Zarite, the main character and her life in what we now call Haiti, and her life following in New Orleans. Love Barbara Kingsolver. I really liked her new one, <i>The Lacuna. </i><div><br /></div><div>My fave book of all time, has to be <i>The Old Man and the Sea.</i> By Ernest Hemingway. My favorite book has not changed since my loss, but I do now love love self-help books. Favorites there are going to be Tibetan-American buddhist perspectives on everything. </div><div><br /></div><div>I also loved <i>An Exact Replica of My Imagination. </i>I devoured this book and sobbed into the pages, felt a real connection to Elizabeth McCrackin's words. </div><div><br /></div><div>Favorite author of all time so far, <a href="http://www.alexandrafuller.org/">Alexandra Fuller</a>. If you have yet to read her, she writes with consideration and grace about subjects that are neither pretty or nice, but so true. a genius and lives in Wyoming. She was born in England, grew up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). </div><div><br /></div><div>Day 5. Favorite quotes</div><div><br /></div><div><i>You cannot find peace by avoiding life.</i></div><div>-Virginia Woolf</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.</i></div><div><i>-</i>Bernice Johnson Reagon</div><div><br /></div><div><i>You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."</i></div><div><i>-</i>Eleanor Roosevelt</div><div><br /></div><div><i>When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.</i></div><div><i>-</i> Buddha</div><div>I truly don't have this perspective yet, but i am working on it. </div><div><br /></div><div><i>Keep Smiling </i>and <i>Viya Con Dios</i></div><div>- My Dad, always said these things to me and I have always remembered them. He also told me, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Love you Dad.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-91611116045030534562010-10-07T19:58:00.001-07:002010-10-07T20:03:35.789-07:00Day 3I thought of a TV program finally! I like drama so I loved <i>Spartacus, </i>but truly what got me laughing again was the politically incorrect and not so smart <i>Chelsea Lately. </i>I also have loved <i>Six Feet Under,</i> and my new show which is ok <i>Parenthood.</i>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-44358846448835260552010-10-06T18:02:00.000-07:002010-10-06T19:10:21.578-07:0030 days<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 18px; "><i><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;">Angie at <a href="http://stilllifewithcircles.blogspot.com"><i>Still Life With Circles</i> </a> thought of this great idea of writing 30 posts in 30 days on our blogs, I will be joining her. I love the idea, especially since October kicks off </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; ">Pregnancy Loss and Awareness month. Plus, it will get me writing and reading some more. I do want to continue blogging, talking about everything here helps me wrap my head around what is going on. And, I think it is so important to keep talking about all of these issues, so many families face the devastating loss of a pregnancy and infant. On that note, I loved reading the Position Statement for the MISS foundation on <a href="http://drjoanne.blogspot.com"><i>Dr Cacciatore's blog</i></a>. I found it to be very helpful for finding the words that I can use when someone says "why didn't you just go on bed rest?" (maybe she would be here). Maybe, in addition to dealing with our own guilt and grief, we also need to educate people about pregnancy loss and the emotional aftermath it leaves for the families dealing with the loss of a dream? </span></div></i></span></div></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><br /></span></div></i></span></div></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; ">Here is the list:</span></div></i></span></div></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal;"><i><div style="display: inline !important; "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><br /></span></div></i></span></div></i></span></div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-style: normal; "><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.<br />Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.<br />Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.<br />Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?<br />Day 5 - your favorite quote.<br />Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.<br />Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.<br />Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.<br />Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.<br />Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.<br />Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.<br />Day 12 - something you are OCD about.<br />Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.<br />Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.<br />Day 15 - what you like about your house.<br />Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).<br />Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.<br />Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.<br />Day 19 - a talent of yours.<br />Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.<br />Day 21 - a recipe.<br />Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.<br />Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.<br />Day 24 - where you live<br />Day 25 - your day, in great detail<br />Day 26 - your week, in great detail<br />Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.<br />Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse<br />Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days<br />Day 30 - a dream for the future </i></div><div><i><br /></i></div></span></i></span><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: 'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: 18px; "><i><br /></i></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:100%;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I'll start today, but I'm a little late, so I will do the first 2. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:100%;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:100%;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">1. <i>I Will Remember You</i>, Sarah McLachlan. I have always loved that song. pretty hard to listen too without crying. </span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:100%;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">2. Loved <i>Up,</i> the part about the miscarriage. I love <i>Legends of the Fall.</i> What can I say, I love horses, cows, gorgeous vistas in Montana, and drama. It stands out to me in a different way now, miscarriage and infertility and how devastating they can be for families.</span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:'Trebuchet MS', Trebuchet, Verdana, sans-serif;font-size:100%;color:#333333;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span></div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-4556301662554137422010-09-17T07:45:00.000-07:002010-09-17T08:05:00.300-07:0009.17.2010I am feeling better. <div>Defeated </div><div>Angry</div><div>Sad</div><div>Confused</div><div>Scared</div><div>Unlucky</div><div>All of those, and still my kids and animals need me. What a relief it is to have them.</div><div>Miscarriage feels so different to me than stillbirth. Stillbirth for me was such a darker, scarier and totally overwhelming place. I felt guilt, sadness, deflated, full of milk, in pain physically, and certainly grieving. </div><div><br /></div><div>Miscarriage to me is different because the grief is not as all consuming or maybe the reminder of pregnancy goes away faster, I feel like I am almost back to my pre-pregnant self. Whereas with stillbirth I was still in the throws of sobbing, puffy faced, in pain, dripping milk, missing my baby who was almost here. </div><div><br /></div><div>I saw my baby, but he fit in my hand, he had so much longer to grow in my belly. I miss you little baby and I miss you Jolene.</div><div><br /></div><div>I have been reading Faces of Loss Faces of Hope. A few years ago, that website would have been the scariest place for me to visit on the web, now I can't stop reading the stories of women who have experienced loss. I also think of the 1 in 4 women who do experience miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. It feels to me that loss is part of birth and a huge part of the reproductive years in our lives. And it reminds me of how little control we have over getting pregnant, birth and death. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thank you for your nice comments. I so appreciate them. </div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-48350377248557136102010-09-15T08:15:00.001-07:002010-09-15T08:27:27.268-07:00No more "rainbow" babyI went in for the NT scan test at 12.5 weeks, our little baby had a gorgeous heartbeat and was moving around, I was so happy. I did have a cry in the office about my stillbirth because I was so nervous of not seeing a heart beat, it was a good release of emotions really because I was so happy this baby was going to make it. 10 days later I had small brown spot, I thought nothing to worry about but I 'll call to make sure.<div>I went in and we did a scan, there he was, my still baby, no heartbeat.</div><div><br /></div><div>My husband is taking this really hard, I hope I do not lose him. He was really on board with having just one more when we got pregnant with Jolene, and then this baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby, hope and happiness after going through HELL. He thinks it is his fault, he may be grieving this more than me right now. </div><div><br /></div><div>On this time in my life, things seem so out of my control, getting pregnant, staying pregnant and now having a gorgeous baby in my arms 9 months later. It feels so totally out of my control and I cannot trust my body or even hope at this time.</div><div><br /></div><div>I am so thankful for the two children I have, I am so glad that I had kids young, and my pregnancies were happy, normal and healthy. My children are keeping me alive and moving forward as well as this great fear of losing my mind and my husband.</div><div><br /></div><div>Keep kicking me down, I guess I have not learned my lesson yet.</div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div> </div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-217891248263897002010-09-13T14:56:00.000-07:002010-09-13T15:12:16.699-07:00The End...I was 14.5 weeks pregnant, yesterday that is, today no heartbeat beating in my tiny little baby's chest. Not AGAIN. Yes, AGAIN. <div><br /></div><div>The tears will come, the pain will come, has it yet to go away?</div><div><br /></div><div>D&C scheduled for tomorrow. </div><div>We did no tell anyone I was pregnant, not even our kids knew because we wanted to spare them this pain again. </div><div><br /></div><div>Thank God.</div><div><br /></div><div>Dear Baby,</div><div><br /></div><div>I miss you my little star, I was already dreaming of your name and writing it down, I love you, find your sister and give her a hug. </div><div>love always, your Mama.</div><div><br /></div><div>This is the End of my blogging, I don't know where to go from here, where should I go?</div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-4729532100807816092010-06-09T06:51:00.000-07:002010-06-09T06:54:59.198-07:00One year ago...It's been year that I saw your face and felt your body outside mine. You were a beauty baby, I was so sad. I so miss you and I love you. I hope you they have birthday cake in heaven, you will love it, it is sweet and lovely, just like you. <div>Please come to me in my dreams again soon.</div><div>love, m</div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-75283005392304244792010-06-08T07:30:00.000-07:002010-06-08T07:41:19.374-07:00June 8, 2009It's almost her day. It's almost the day I would see my baby and say goodbye to her little body. Ofcourse, I would be saying goodbye to the dream of a new child, my Jolene Marie Grace, over the next months and year. I can't believe it's almost been a year, I am always going to miss her.<br /><br />Goodbye my baby<br />Dreamgirl<br />You are my dreamgirl<br />I miss you, I wish I heard you laugh, I wish I heard you cry<br />I wish I nursed you, I wish I was watching you learn to walk<br />I wish you could feel the love of your brother and sister<br />I wish for you a life, a life of ups and downs, of pain and love<br />I wish for you a life<br />I wish it for you and not just for me, I wished for you<br />and prayed sweet whispers for you to come into our lives.<br />And you did, and then you left us with our hopes and dreams for you shattered.<br />Our dreams for you were to be here breathing. I would be proud to hear your breath and watch your chest move up and down and feel your warm skin against mine.<br />You are always going to be my dreamgirl.<br />I love you Jolene Marie Grace- I hope we will meet again someday soon.<br />love, xokbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-83384829346255182152010-06-03T06:52:00.000-07:002010-06-03T07:14:31.969-07:00June 3, 2010Almost one year. I think I remember this time last year. A big pregnant belly, people told me I looked beautiful and happy. I was, I was expecting a gorgeous new baby, my little boy was turning 8. It was a summer. I did have a nagging feeling that something was not right with my pregnancy. I had not been feeling her nudge or kick at me all the time like my two other babies did. I missed her kicking me. I played music and drank cold water and a soft nudge would come. I thought everything was really ok, but as it turns out this was a sign that she was slipping through my fingers like fairy dust she was just a dream that could slip through. I miss her.<div><br /></div><div>I miss her. I love her. </div><div>I am sad today for her and really for me. Because it took us a year to get pregnant with her and now my body does not want to pregnant again. It is really sad this journey of baby loss followed by infertility. Is it a sign? Should I not have another? I guess I will just let this thought go too, let it go and see what happens...?</div><div><br /></div><div>Thinking of all you mothers who have a had baby in your arms and you love them without condition with all your heart. You heart truly does live outside your chest. I do know that.</div><div><br /></div>kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-34237304586495203172010-02-11T18:47:00.000-08:002010-02-11T18:53:23.767-08:00On dreamsLately, I have been remembering dreams again. I remember them so vividly these days. They are all about parenting, mothering an infant. Most of the time, I am nursing and holding a wee babe. The babe is nestled in the crook of my arm, and we are staring at each other, the baby is nursing and laughing and smiling. The baby always has dark, curly, brown hair, and a gorgeous smile.<br /><br />I wonder if this is Jolene coming to me?<br /><br />Is this a different child who is waiting to be born from me?<br /><br />I don't know which, all I know is a I have an overwhelming urge to parent and love and mother an infant. Maybe it's my hormones?<br /><br />My postpartum hormones telling me you should have a baby right now, you should be nursing, so here you go, a child who is in your dreams... I don't know...?kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4759742653422169812.post-58253062087557585362010-02-02T08:01:00.000-08:002010-02-02T08:28:33.134-08:00TodayI am here, I am breathing, the sun rose, the children woke up, the dogs needed to go out, the rooster began his good morning song. The coffee was brewed, lunches made, kids on the bus. And here I am.<br />Life goes on. And, I miss her, I miss my baby. She should be here laughing at me and eating oatmeal.<br /><br />Life goes on, and I am sitting here thinking about how life does go on. Is it time that changes things or is it life that just goes on? I still have a heart full of love, still have a heart full of sadness, yet I am here breathing. That is kind of amazing to me. The fact that I did not melt away.<br />I still feel anxiety attack me in the middle of the night, it shakes me awake and I lie wondering why? Why me, why her? Why us? I am working really hard on noticing when anxiety creeps in and takes hold of my mind, it is such an unhealthy feeling, I begin to question all that I am, my marriage, my self. I am here, my heart is pure, it is love, it is sad.<br />What is is that heals us, is it waking every day and greiving? Is it waking every day and loving through grief? It is shaky, it is groundless, it is not here or there, who am I now that I am recognizing "this me?" This me who knows how horrible death is, this me who knows that death comes knocking on my door, death comes and I watch death kidnap my child from my arms, my belly, my heart, my dreams.<br />All I can think is have I loved today? Have I shown the world that I have loved? I am going to keep trying, keep showing the world my broken, loving heart. It is exposed and I have found it again.<br />I think I will go throw hay to the hungry horses, scatter some scratch for the chickens, go to work, and just keep breathing.kbhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08560016878033426689noreply@blogger.com2