Defeated
Angry
Sad
Confused
Scared
Unlucky
All of those, and still my kids and animals need me. What a relief it is to have them.
Miscarriage feels so different to me than stillbirth. Stillbirth for me was such a darker, scarier and totally overwhelming place. I felt guilt, sadness, deflated, full of milk, in pain physically, and certainly grieving.
Miscarriage to me is different because the grief is not as all consuming or maybe the reminder of pregnancy goes away faster, I feel like I am almost back to my pre-pregnant self. Whereas with stillbirth I was still in the throws of sobbing, puffy faced, in pain, dripping milk, missing my baby who was almost here.
I saw my baby, but he fit in my hand, he had so much longer to grow in my belly. I miss you little baby and I miss you Jolene.
I have been reading Faces of Loss Faces of Hope. A few years ago, that website would have been the scariest place for me to visit on the web, now I can't stop reading the stories of women who have experienced loss. I also think of the 1 in 4 women who do experience miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. It feels to me that loss is part of birth and a huge part of the reproductive years in our lives. And it reminds me of how little control we have over getting pregnant, birth and death.
Thank you for your nice comments. I so appreciate them.
I'm glad that you are feeling a little better.
ReplyDeleteYour words described exactly how I feel as I have also had a miscarriage and a stillbirth (the stillbirth was first). I have felt guilty at times that I'm not as devastated about the baby that was lost in the miscarriage than I am about the baby who was lost in the stillbirth. They are still both my babies and I'm sad about them both, but losing my son 21 weeks into the pregnancy and delivering a dead baby was just way worse than having a miscarriage. I held them both though, and I am grateful for that.
My story is on Faces of Loss. There is nothing as healing as finding out you aren't alone and having others who have been through the same thing to talk to. But I would have avoided anything to do with stillbirth, miscarriage and neonatal loss like the plague before I became part of the club.
I just saw this, catching up on blogs now. I'm just so sorry, kb. Sending you love.
ReplyDeleteJust coming over here now- I am so very sorry. All of my thoughts are with you- love and peace to you.
ReplyDeleteLeslie