Wednesday, September 15, 2010

No more "rainbow" baby

I went in for the NT scan test at 12.5 weeks, our little baby had a gorgeous heartbeat and was moving around, I was so happy. I did have a cry in the office about my stillbirth because I was so nervous of not seeing a heart beat, it was a good release of emotions really because I was so happy this baby was going to make it. 10 days later I had small brown spot, I thought nothing to worry about but I 'll call to make sure.
I went in and we did a scan, there he was, my still baby, no heartbeat.

My husband is taking this really hard, I hope I do not lose him. He was really on board with having just one more when we got pregnant with Jolene, and then this baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby, hope and happiness after going through HELL. He thinks it is his fault, he may be grieving this more than me right now.

On this time in my life, things seem so out of my control, getting pregnant, staying pregnant and now having a gorgeous baby in my arms 9 months later. It feels so totally out of my control and I cannot trust my body or even hope at this time.

I am so thankful for the two children I have, I am so glad that I had kids young, and my pregnancies were happy, normal and healthy. My children are keeping me alive and moving forward as well as this great fear of losing my mind and my husband.

Keep kicking me down, I guess I have not learned my lesson yet.


  1. I am so sorry! I can't even imagine. I hope that you and your husband can get through this. I know the effect that losing a baby has on a marriage. Losing 2 is unimaginable.

    You got through this once. You can do it again. Your little angels are watching over you, although I know that is small, if any, comfort.

    Thinking about you, your husband and all of your beautiful little children.

  2. If there were words, I'd say them. But there aren't, are there?

    I'm just so sorry :(

  3. I am so very sorry. I can't imagine how heartbreaking and shocking it must have been to see no heartbeat on your baby who was moving around so perfectly only a few short weeks before.

    It does feel as though life is kicking us when we are already on the floor at times. I just remember feeling so very, very defeated when I had a (much earlier) miscarriage trying to fall pregnant again after the twins. Just utterly defeated.

    I'm so very sorry.