The River of Life

Poem from native american- I will correctly reference this poem later
"The river of life. It is great
It is swift
There are those who will be afraid
They will try to hold on to the shore
and they may be torn apart
and suffer greatly. Know the river has a destination.
What you resist can cause more suffering.
We must let go of the shore, push
off into the middle of the river
Keep our eyes open and heads
above the water.
Take nothing personally, least of all ourselves"

I love this poem, I love it. Life is beautiful in all that it is. I am here for the ride.
It was just the place to put some of my baby's ashes, up in the Big Wood River in Idaho. I heard her there laughing. It was the perfect place for her because I am too riding on the river of life. I heard you baby, and I am here for you. I love you.

Christmas Eve

I miss you Jolene Marie Grace. I wish I was watching you grow today instead of decorating around your ashes on the fireplace mantle. I love you my baby. We all miss you.

I have thought about my last post, I have decided, I can shut people out who say insensitive things, because I lost my baby and comments and words hurt me. I am tired of being the perpetual people pleaser and I am ready to say that hurt and take some time for my grieving. Grief is a bitch, I wish she would go away for a few days, but not forever because I would miss the feeling of missing my baby. God, please let me be ok.

Guilt

Since my last post, so much has changed. Impermanence? Yes, well. Now then, I first wanted to say hello blog, and hello out there. I also first wanted to say how much I love and am thankful for my life. It sounded as if I felt my life was pretty horrendous, but it is not. I am married, I have two gorgeous and healthy children. I have friends and family who love me.

Now that that's there, since it has been 6 months since I lost my baby and apparently my "lightness." I really want to ask is it full of malice and contempt to shut out a person from your life who said after your loss this...? "My doctor was just so conservative, I wonder why you were not on bed rest and monitored more closely?"

This question came from well someone close to me, who is like a sister, that close. She had to go on bed rest during her pregnancy and her baby came at 37 weeks, a healthy 6 lb. baby girl. I don't know all the issues she experienced in her pregnancy, but she sounded high-risk to me, she was on hospital bed rest. For the record, I was quite low-risk, and my baby was low-risk. All the testing and monitoring came out pretty perfect every appoinment, until the day I heard them say and saw her body lifeless on the monitor, "This baby does not have heartbeat," I was sure I was bringing home a healthy baby.

So, let me ask, is it full of malice and contempt to shut out someone from your life when they make the comment that she was glad her doctors were more conservative than mine? Is it just selfish, what is it? Is it my own guilt that shut her out, then is that selfish?
I am pondering this today and probably tomorrow, do we act compassionately when we feel someone says something insensitive after our loss?

Impermanence

Hello blog and anyone who is reading. I am writing today of impermanence. This word is so key to my survival right now. I get that impermanence and change is inevitable, it is life, it is suffering, it is joy, it is love. Pema Chodron has so brilliantly written on impermanence in many of her writings, I am referring to When Things Fall Apart. Impermanence is the idea that things change inevitably, babies are born, death happens, spring becomes summer, meeting and falling in love are impermanent. These lessons of impermanence are all around me lately, so what am I supposed to do with it? I f-ing get it universe, impermanence exits.

About a month ago, my beloved dog, a gorgeous black lab, Jesse, was killed in front of our home by a couple of cars. Impermanence.

My family and I went to Mexico with my husband's parents who did not one time acknowledge our lost baby Jolene. Not once did they mention her name. Impermanence. And then, when I asked them about it, all I got was, "it was difficult to talk to you, you don't seem like your light self, like the K we used to know, you seemed so serious, we dont' want to talk about death and bad things all the time." it was a punch in the gut. for me.

Impermanence.

My Dad committed suicide a month before I married my soul mate, my best friend, 10 and a half years ago, on June 9, the same day my Jolene was born. Impermanence.

Suffering. What the hell is next? How much can I take? please universe I have learned that it can all be gone tomorrow, please know that I know now. I know impermanence.

Lastly, I missed my baby while being around my sweet little nephew in Mexico, what a lovely child. He was born 3 days before my Jolene, he is gorgeous and I love him. But, it was so hard to hold him and watch his Mom nurse him. I miss my baby, I miss my sweet girl.

Impermanence.

Letter to Jolene

Dear Jolene,
How are you baby girl? I miss you. We have done so much without you here lately. I guess you could say that life has moved on. I miss you so much. How I would love to nurse you and hold you! I ache to hold you and look into your eyes while you nurse. Dad and I went to a beautiful wedding in Montana, there we saw your cousin K, he is getting so big and he is adorable. I know you would have loved getting to know him. He has blond hair and blue eyes, he is a big baby and long. I met another baby lost mama at the wedding. I made a comment that another mom looked pregnant at the wedding. I am very tuned in to pregnant people and babies because of you sweetheart. Well, they told me that she was not pregnant, but had just lost twins.

What? As if I hadn't heard them right.

She lost twins, not too long ago. I decided right then and there I would introduce my self and tell her about you, I and I hope she would tell me about her twins. Maybe you met them in heaven?
I hope you are all playing together, three sweet girls just playing.

I introduced myself, we both started crying. We talk easily to each other, we can relate to all the feelings, everything happening in our grief. What a relief! It is a club I never wanted us to join, my baby Jolene, but now that we did, let's make the best of it and cry with others who have, and I will remember you always, as long as I live, I will remember and say your name loudly every day so you can hear me. Please know that I love you and miss you, I wish you could come to my dreams again soon, have fun playing with your friends.

love, Mom

delivering the news

It is so difficult the first couple of months after a loss running into all kinds of people who ask," How's the baby?" or "Where's the baby?" These are the people who either knew you were pregnant and had not heard about the tragic day, or the people who are reaching out to you after that day. And then, inevitably, come the tears and the "I'm sorry to tell you that we lost her, she died." Then the inevitable look of horror on their face," I don't know what to say, oh my god!"

It's amazing to me the responses I have received after the horror stricken look becomes worry and confusion...Sometimes people say, "I'm sorry." Quite simply, the best response. But, sometimes, people say the strangest things, "I can't imagine what you are going through right now...Some things are meant to be..."
It is amazing how you really see people for the first time after a terrible, horrible thing going though losing a baby.

friends become strangers, strangers become friends...

I don't know why the response "I can't imagine what you are going through right now," bugs me, is it because that's what I would say, before I had my loss? Or is it a touch self-rightous to say that? The fact that babies can and do die, the fact that we all die, can't you imagine the possibility of that? I can imagine the possibility, because I have been through it, babies die.

Sometimes for no reason.

NOT meant to be.

Life.

Even after Jolene died, I always thought of her as a beautiful manifestation of life, what a beauitful, happy baby bouncing in my belly. And that's what bothers me the most now is that when I see those people, that is who I am to them, that is who my little girl is, "The dead baby mama, the dead baby."

I miss you little one, my sweet baby, Jolene.

heart stops beating

cowgirl don't cry...

it's gonna hurt every now and then
if you fall get back on again
Cowgirls don't cry

I fell of my horse (so to speak) when my baby died, I am writing this blog as a way to get back on again, meaning life, meaning get back on with living. For me, my children, my husband...This song was important to me before we lost our baby in utero at 7 months, it is now more important than ever to get back on and ride baby ride.

my baby girl,
always a happy baby in my tummy, until
your heart stopped beating
your brother, your sister were there with us, while we watched you
on the screen
your head
your tummy
your heart
just stopped
we cried for you and we still cry for you
our baby
our sweet baby girl Jolene Marie Grace