Friday, December 11, 2009


Hello blog and anyone who is reading. I am writing today of impermanence. This word is so key to my survival right now. I get that impermanence and change is inevitable, it is life, it is suffering, it is joy, it is love. Pema Chodron has so brilliantly written on impermanence in many of her writings, I am referring to When Things Fall Apart. Impermanence is the idea that things change inevitably, babies are born, death happens, spring becomes summer, meeting and falling in love are impermanent. These lessons of impermanence are all around me lately, so what am I supposed to do with it? I f-ing get it universe, impermanence exits.

About a month ago, my beloved dog, a gorgeous black lab, Jesse, was killed in front of our home by a couple of cars. Impermanence.

My family and I went to Mexico with my husband's parents who did not one time acknowledge our lost baby Jolene. Not once did they mention her name. Impermanence. And then, when I asked them about it, all I got was, "it was difficult to talk to you, you don't seem like your light self, like the K we used to know, you seemed so serious, we dont' want to talk about death and bad things all the time." it was a punch in the gut. for me.


My Dad committed suicide a month before I married my soul mate, my best friend, 10 and a half years ago, on June 9, the same day my Jolene was born. Impermanence.

Suffering. What the hell is next? How much can I take? please universe I have learned that it can all be gone tomorrow, please know that I know now. I know impermanence.

Lastly, I missed my baby while being around my sweet little nephew in Mexico, what a lovely child. He was born 3 days before my Jolene, he is gorgeous and I love him. But, it was so hard to hold him and watch his Mom nurse him. I miss my baby, I miss my sweet girl.


1 comment:

  1. I am just so sorry. Even though we can all appreciate the truth in impermanence, it seems cruel that we keep learning about it through such devastating losses. I have written about it a lot this year, because I want to scream sometimes too, "I EFFING GET IT, Universe! Things change. Can't I just drop my cupcake today?"

    I found that Pema Chodron book really good. She is amazing.