09.17.2010

I am feeling better.

Defeated

Angry

Sad

Confused

Scared

Unlucky

All of those, and still my kids and animals need me. What a relief it is to have them.

Miscarriage feels so different to me than stillbirth. Stillbirth for me was such a darker, scarier and totally overwhelming place. I felt guilt, sadness, deflated, full of milk, in pain physically, and certainly grieving.

Miscarriage to me is different because the grief is not as all consuming or maybe the reminder of pregnancy goes away faster, I feel like I am almost back to my pre-pregnant self. Whereas with stillbirth I was still in the throws of sobbing, puffy faced, in pain, dripping milk, missing my baby who was almost here.

I saw my baby, but he fit in my hand, he had so much longer to grow in my belly. I miss you little baby and I miss you Jolene.

I have been reading Faces of Loss Faces of Hope. A few years ago, that website would have been the scariest place for me to visit on the web, now I can't stop reading the stories of women who have experienced loss. I also think of the 1 in 4 women who do experience miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. It feels to me that loss is part of birth and a huge part of the reproductive years in our lives. And it reminds me of how little control we have over getting pregnant, birth and death.

Thank you for your nice comments. I so appreciate them.

No more "rainbow" baby

I went in for the NT scan test at 12.5 weeks, our little baby had a gorgeous heartbeat and was moving around, I was so happy. I did have a cry in the office about my stillbirth because I was so nervous of not seeing a heart beat, it was a good release of emotions really because I was so happy this baby was going to make it. 10 days later I had small brown spot, I thought nothing to worry about but I 'll call to make sure.

I went in and we did a scan, there he was, my still baby, no heartbeat.

My husband is taking this really hard, I hope I do not lose him. He was really on board with having just one more when we got pregnant with Jolene, and then this baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby, hope and happiness after going through HELL. He thinks it is his fault, he may be grieving this more than me right now.

On this time in my life, things seem so out of my control, getting pregnant, staying pregnant and now having a gorgeous baby in my arms 9 months later. It feels so totally out of my control and I cannot trust my body or even hope at this time.

I am so thankful for the two children I have, I am so glad that I had kids young, and my pregnancies were happy, normal and healthy. My children are keeping me alive and moving forward as well as this great fear of losing my mind and my husband.

Keep kicking me down, I guess I have not learned my lesson yet.

The End...

I was 14.5 weeks pregnant, yesterday that is, today no heartbeat beating in my tiny little baby's chest. Not AGAIN. Yes, AGAIN.

The tears will come, the pain will come, has it yet to go away?

D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

We did no tell anyone I was pregnant, not even our kids knew because we wanted to spare them this pain again.

Thank God.

Dear Baby,

I miss you my little star, I was already dreaming of your name and writing it down, I love you, find your sister and give her a hug.

love always, your Mama.

This is the End of my blogging, I don't know where to go from here, where should I go?