One year ago...

It's been year that I saw your face and felt your body outside mine. You were a beauty baby, I was so sad. I so miss you and I love you. I hope you they have birthday cake in heaven, you will love it, it is sweet and lovely, just like you.

Please come to me in my dreams again soon.

love, m

June 8, 2009

It's almost her day. It's almost the day I would see my baby and say goodbye to her little body. Ofcourse, I would be saying goodbye to the dream of a new child, my Jolene Marie Grace, over the next months and year. I can't believe it's almost been a year, I am always going to miss her.

Goodbye my baby
Dreamgirl
You are my dreamgirl
I miss you, I wish I heard you laugh, I wish I heard you cry
I wish I nursed you, I wish I was watching you learn to walk
I wish you could feel the love of your brother and sister
I wish for you a life, a life of ups and downs, of pain and love
I wish for you a life
I wish it for you and not just for me, I wished for you
and prayed sweet whispers for you to come into our lives.
And you did, and then you left us with our hopes and dreams for you shattered.
Our dreams for you were to be here breathing. I would be proud to hear your breath and watch your chest move up and down and feel your warm skin against mine.
You are always going to be my dreamgirl.
I love you Jolene Marie Grace- I hope we will meet again someday soon.
love, xo

June 3, 2010

Almost one year. I think I remember this time last year. A big pregnant belly, people told me I looked beautiful and happy. I was, I was expecting a gorgeous new baby, my little boy was turning 8. It was a summer. I did have a nagging feeling that something was not right with my pregnancy. I had not been feeling her nudge or kick at me all the time like my two other babies did. I missed her kicking me. I played music and drank cold water and a soft nudge would come. I thought everything was really ok, but as it turns out this was a sign that she was slipping through my fingers like fairy dust she was just a dream that could slip through. I miss her.

I miss her. I love her.

I am sad today for her and really for me. Because it took us a year to get pregnant with her and now my body does not want to pregnant again. It is really sad this journey of baby loss followed by infertility. Is it a sign? Should I not have another? I guess I will just let this thought go too, let it go and see what happens...?

Thinking of all you mothers who have a had baby in your arms and you love them without condition with all your heart. You heart truly does live outside your chest. I do know that.