Friday, March 4, 2011

thinking on something...

I have been thinking and reading and working and living...been thinking about posting and writing a lot, I come up with words and stories in my head and words come out to play for awhile then they're gone again.
But, alas. I always have three words that sum up how I feel these days.

Her name was Jolene.

Her name was Jolene. I got pregnant, yeah! After a year of trying, we got pregnant, I grew big and pretty with a baby in my belly. Every appointment was lovely and everything looked normal and fine. We were having a baby. Our two older kids knew her and felt her kick and they were excited too.
Just the other day, my girl and I were shopping for a birthday present for her friend and we saw a really cute fuzzy lamb eared jacket, and she says with a proud smile, "Mama, that would look really cute on Jolene, too bad we can't see her in it though," I did not know what to say other than, "Yes, it would." Then she looks down at the jacket in her hand and she says,"But she's dead."

That about sums it up. You know you are a part of the club when you are engorged with milk, your arms ache for your child, and then you see her on the table in front of you in a box of ashes.

been thinking about others out there as well...I hope for peace and happiness for you all too.


  1. It is sweet that your daughter thought of Jolene when she saw the lamb. I love hearing stories of other people thinking about the lost babies, not just the Mom's and Dad's.

    It is an unreal reality that we live in....

  2. Oh mamma... I understand completely. my daughter asks almost every day where Cullen is and why he died.. she is 4 and it is a hard concept to understand.
    Lately I have felt like no one understands this life- even though my most recent medical issues and now another miscarriage I can literally watch some of my friends backing slowly away.. it must be really hard to be friends with the debbie downer.

  3. Sorry- had to put in two comments because mine was too long!

    Her name is Jolene.. and I will remember her with you.. at times like this I have found that the most amazing support has been from fellow bereaved mammas.... we can almost communicate without words and that is at least one small thing. I think what is hard for me right now is that even in this community I find myself watching all of the mammas who are announcing their new pregnancies- that hurts- even amongst the women who deserve it most.
    Sorry for the long comment, I think that in the end I just want you to know that there are people out here who understand and who will walk with you whenever you need it.
    Love and light- Leslie

  4. Kids cut right through to the truth, don't they? They're not afraid to say things as they are...and that can be so solid and refreshingly honest. I'm so sorry for your loss.