thinking on something...

I have been thinking and reading and working and living...been thinking about posting and writing a lot, I come up with words and stories in my head and words come out to play for awhile then they're gone again.
But, alas. I always have three words that sum up how I feel these days.

Her name was Jolene.

Her name was Jolene. I got pregnant, yeah! After a year of trying, we got pregnant, I grew big and pretty with a baby in my belly. Every appointment was lovely and everything looked normal and fine. We were having a baby. Our two older kids knew her and felt her kick and they were excited too.
Just the other day, my girl and I were shopping for a birthday present for her friend and we saw a really cute fuzzy lamb eared jacket, and she says with a proud smile, "Mama, that would look really cute on Jolene, too bad we can't see her in it though," I did not know what to say other than, "Yes, it would." Then she looks down at the jacket in her hand and she says,"But she's dead."

That about sums it up. You know you are a part of the club when you are engorged with milk, your arms ache for your child, and then you see her on the table in front of you in a box of ashes.

been thinking about others out there as well...I hope for peace and happiness for you all too.

a dream- day 30

I have always, always had the dream of sitting on a covered porch in the mountains in the West somewhere, drinking a cup of tea, coffee, or wine, sitting with my husband as the grey of dusk settles in around us, the blue lake in front of us begins to shimmer and shine, mountains tower above the pasture where we see our cows and horses grazing content, peaceful. The calves are still nursing and foals are still with their mothers, it is fall. Leaves are brown, the grass is brown, "It is almost weaning time," I say.

My husband nods and we still gaze out on our land, hand in hand, on our rockers. We might even have the grandkids there that weekend.
Maybe...dreaming it so...

Day 29

Hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.

I hope to lose some weight. I hope to clarify my reproductive future, I am planning another half-marathon, I am dreaming of traveling to some exotic location. I am hoping for inspiration and passion to drive me forward and help me to really live. I am planning on teaching, writing, loving, living. I hope for health for everyone in my life inlcuding me. I am dreaming of a time when I can see my girl in my dreams again soon. I miss you my girl.

Day 28- what's in your handbag

since I dont carry a handbag, I can say nothing! I do carry a checkbook/wallet. I do have a cell phone. Sometimes, I wish I had a gorgeous handbag to carry things in, but I find I just don't need one. When I am travelling away from home, I find I need a handbag, in it goes my wallet, chapstick, phone, ipod, hair ties, I have looonnngg hair, small travel brush, gum.

A New Day - Day 26 and 27

Day 26
Every day is busy and every day is different for me. If kids are in school, then I am teaching Pilates and riding horses. I ride my younger horse, because she need to be ridden. I was having a friend ride her when I was pregnant, now I am back to riding again and it feels great. Although, i would much rather be have a healthy baby in my belly. Riding for me is such a fantastic way to unwind and de-stress and get out of my head for a while. You have to be present and in the present moment when you ride.
I love a teaching Pilates and also doing Pilates. It has helped me so much. I also love walking and running.

My husband's schedule is all over the place, so we really rely on me most of the time for kids activities and running around for them. He does try to help when he can, and he really loves taking them to practice. It is busy with after school stuff going on and homework. Then, some social activities during the weekend, love the weekend! Right now it is going to football games, season tickets and college football games too.

Day 27.
My worst habit since I lost my baby...getting lost in thought , wondering where my baby is, who she would be and what the hell happened as to why she died. really, just getting lost in my head is my worst habit. I hope it gets better.

On that note...I am having the hardest time with "should I have another baby?" I am thinking sao hard these days, my head hurts. Should I stop trying to have another baby? Should i just try one more time?

Day 25 - On track!

My day begins with making coffee! I love coffee! Breakfast for the kids, if its a school day, lunches are made in the am., while kids munch on breakfast we talk about the plans for the day, reiterate what is good behavior, discuss the after school activities. We have something every day after school!

Anyway... coffee, lunches, conversations. Kids go to school on the bus, right outside our door! I feed the dogs, feed the chickens, feed the horses and water everyone. I give my mare shots, and check my horses feet. I sometimes clean stalls if they are inside that night (sometimes the horses stay outside the barn at night) I comeback up to the house eat something for breakfast. I do 30 minutes on the computer, some bookkeeping. I am a bookkeeper for my husband's company. Then at approximately 10:00 am., I am out the door to teach Pilates. I teach Pilates part time too! Then, I am done around 1:00 sometimes 2:00. I race home in time for kids to get home from school, after school snacks, homework and rest. Then, we are out the door at 5:00 and we do not get home until 8:00 pm. Crazy!! Even when I think about it, it is so busy and I technically do not have a full time job! That is pretty much every day, I sometimes have to work on husband's company books at night just before bed time and I also look at blogs, read my book, or sometimes watch TV.
Bed time: for kids 9:00. Usually unwind with husband between 9:00 and 10 ish. Bed!

Day 23-24 and...

I have so much to say today. I am looking outside my window and it's fall, it is gorgeous out. Trees with leaves all different colors; red, orange, yellow, some green. I love fall, I love riding my horses or walking the dogs and hearing the leaves crunch under foot. the blue sky, the crisp air...
My mare is pregnant, she is 5 months. I saw the baby kick today! I was so very happy for her. This is her first foal. She will be a great Mama.

I just keep thinking how I should have Jolene in the Ergo with me today, she would be saying words and pointing to things..."Look, Mam, Mama, the leaves, Mama, the dogs..." I can imagine her with brown curls and a sweet smile on her face.

I miss you little girl, today is hard without you.

Day 23- You tube video. the one where the baby is laughing and can't stop. my kids love that one too. I also love the of the twins in the crib together laughing at each other.

Day24- Where I live. I live in the country. Not too far from a bigger town, which is close to a smaller city. I love living on the land, and living out in the country. I also love where I live, out in the West of the US.