a dream- day 30

I have always, always had the dream of sitting on a covered porch in the mountains in the West somewhere, drinking a cup of tea, coffee, or wine, sitting with my husband as the grey of dusk settles in around us, the blue lake in front of us begins to shimmer and shine, mountains tower above the pasture where we see our cows and horses grazing content, peaceful. The calves are still nursing and foals are still with their mothers, it is fall. Leaves are brown, the grass is brown, "It is almost weaning time," I say.

My husband nods and we still gaze out on our land, hand in hand, on our rockers. We might even have the grandkids there that weekend.
Maybe...dreaming it so...

Day 29

Hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.

I hope to lose some weight. I hope to clarify my reproductive future, I am planning another half-marathon, I am dreaming of traveling to some exotic location. I am hoping for inspiration and passion to drive me forward and help me to really live. I am planning on teaching, writing, loving, living. I hope for health for everyone in my life inlcuding me. I am dreaming of a time when I can see my girl in my dreams again soon. I miss you my girl.

Day 28- what's in your handbag

since I dont carry a handbag, I can say nothing! I do carry a checkbook/wallet. I do have a cell phone. Sometimes, I wish I had a gorgeous handbag to carry things in, but I find I just don't need one. When I am travelling away from home, I find I need a handbag, in it goes my wallet, chapstick, phone, ipod, hair ties, I have looonnngg hair, small travel brush, gum.

A New Day - Day 26 and 27

Day 26
Every day is busy and every day is different for me. If kids are in school, then I am teaching Pilates and riding horses. I ride my younger horse, because she need to be ridden. I was having a friend ride her when I was pregnant, now I am back to riding again and it feels great. Although, i would much rather be have a healthy baby in my belly. Riding for me is such a fantastic way to unwind and de-stress and get out of my head for a while. You have to be present and in the present moment when you ride.
I love a teaching Pilates and also doing Pilates. It has helped me so much. I also love walking and running.

My husband's schedule is all over the place, so we really rely on me most of the time for kids activities and running around for them. He does try to help when he can, and he really loves taking them to practice. It is busy with after school stuff going on and homework. Then, some social activities during the weekend, love the weekend! Right now it is going to football games, season tickets and college football games too.

Day 27.
My worst habit since I lost my baby...getting lost in thought , wondering where my baby is, who she would be and what the hell happened as to why she died. really, just getting lost in my head is my worst habit. I hope it gets better.

On that note...I am having the hardest time with "should I have another baby?" I am thinking sao hard these days, my head hurts. Should I stop trying to have another baby? Should i just try one more time?

Day 25 - On track!

My day begins with making coffee! I love coffee! Breakfast for the kids, if its a school day, lunches are made in the am., while kids munch on breakfast we talk about the plans for the day, reiterate what is good behavior, discuss the after school activities. We have something every day after school!

Anyway... coffee, lunches, conversations. Kids go to school on the bus, right outside our door! I feed the dogs, feed the chickens, feed the horses and water everyone. I give my mare shots, and check my horses feet. I sometimes clean stalls if they are inside that night (sometimes the horses stay outside the barn at night) I comeback up to the house eat something for breakfast. I do 30 minutes on the computer, some bookkeeping. I am a bookkeeper for my husband's company. Then at approximately 10:00 am., I am out the door to teach Pilates. I teach Pilates part time too! Then, I am done around 1:00 sometimes 2:00. I race home in time for kids to get home from school, after school snacks, homework and rest. Then, we are out the door at 5:00 and we do not get home until 8:00 pm. Crazy!! Even when I think about it, it is so busy and I technically do not have a full time job! That is pretty much every day, I sometimes have to work on husband's company books at night just before bed time and I also look at blogs, read my book, or sometimes watch TV.
Bed time: for kids 9:00. Usually unwind with husband between 9:00 and 10 ish. Bed!

Day 23-24 and...

I have so much to say today. I am looking outside my window and it's fall, it is gorgeous out. Trees with leaves all different colors; red, orange, yellow, some green. I love fall, I love riding my horses or walking the dogs and hearing the leaves crunch under foot. the blue sky, the crisp air...
My mare is pregnant, she is 5 months. I saw the baby kick today! I was so very happy for her. This is her first foal. She will be a great Mama.

I just keep thinking how I should have Jolene in the Ergo with me today, she would be saying words and pointing to things..."Look, Mam, Mama, the leaves, Mama, the dogs..." I can imagine her with brown curls and a sweet smile on her face.

I miss you little girl, today is hard without you.

Day 23- You tube video. the one where the baby is laughing and can't stop. my kids love that one too. I also love the of the twins in the crib together laughing at each other.

Day24- Where I live. I live in the country. Not too far from a bigger town, which is close to a smaller city. I love living on the land, and living out in the country. I also love where I live, out in the West of the US.

falling behind...days 14-22

Day 14- When Things Fall Apart, Pema Chodron. I love self-help books, this is one of my favorites.

Day-15- I love, love my home. I love my kitchen! I love cooking! Cooking is one of my favorite creative interests!

Day16- Cowgirls Don't Cry. Brooks and Dunn. A classic country song. I do love country, not all of it. But, the classics are great.

Day17- William Matthews. Moving Bulls. My favorite thing about the piece is the color blue. that color he captured is my favorite color! I also love the composition and the subject, well, you may know by now my love of horses!


Day18- My wedding. I loved my wedding. I was sooo young! So Hopeful and so excited to be marrying my best friend and greatest love. He is a strong man, good values, friendly, happy, genuine. I loved my wedding, though, if I got married now, it would be outside in the mountains during the late summer under a gorgeous sky, not inside a beautiful church, my mom and family wanted that!

Day19- I can ride horses. Cutting horses. Cutting is when you cut a cow away from the herd and keep the cow separated from the herd. You are judged on the time and run, and how good your look doing it. I am always striving to do better. And, really it's my horses talent. I guess my talent would be listening to my horse and seeing what she needs from me.

Day20- I love to knit, knitting is good hobby.

Day21- Chicken enchiladas

I do not use recipes. It drives many of the people close to me crazy! But, I taste things as I go and add spices, seasoning, ingredients as I taste.

one roasted or boiled chicken.
tear chicken apart into chunks.
brown onion in butter or olive oil or oilve oil/butter for taste.
add chicken
add enchilada sauce- canned or from scratch, scratch tastes way better.
build enchilada casserole in a medium sized dish, sauce on the bottom, cheese, chicken/sauce mix, then corn tortilla, then add chicken/sauce and cheese. top with cheese.

Add as many layers as you want, add any cooked (steamed) veggie, carrots, squash, peppers, onion...could go vegetarian or not...

Add chips, olives, lettuce, tomato, avos...

Day22-
www.dailycoyote.net I loved going to this site after my loss because I felt better reading it. It reminded me that life goes on and life happens no matter what is going on.It helped me to see that life is here and now. I am trying so hard not to focus on my grief every minute of every day,and the daily coyote provided a glimpse into a world that was not that different from mine but it reminded me that life goes on...so hard to explain.