Day 6

On a roll...

In no particular order...

1. Tea- steaming and mug in hand.

2. Smell of coffee, bacon and blueberry waffles, reminds me of my grandmother.

3. Husbands hands

4. Holding a baby

5. My horse's scent

6. My dogs

7. Snowboarding

8. sitting by a warm fire.

9. A bath

10. Sitting by any sort of water, a river, a lake and especially the ocean.

11. Cleaning stalls- yes! It's true , it does calm me.

12. A barn full of hay.

13. Riding my horse- trail riding, sunny day but cool in the fall. A nice lope in the hills near my house.

14. Snuggling my kids.

15. Writing

16. Reading a great book.

17. folding laundry.

18. gardening

19. when fly season is over!

20. Husband's embrace.

Day 4,5

Isabel Allende Island Beneath the Sea. Gorgeous piece of writing, Zarite, the main character and her life in what we now call Haiti, and her life following in New Orleans. Love Barbara Kingsolver. I really liked her new one, The Lacuna.

My fave book of all time, has to be The Old Man and the Sea. By Ernest Hemingway. My favorite book has not changed since my loss, but I do now love love self-help books. Favorites there are going to be Tibetan-American buddhist perspectives on everything.

I also loved An Exact Replica of My Imagination. I devoured this book and sobbed into the pages, felt a real connection to Elizabeth McCrackin's words.

Favorite author of all time so far, Alexandra Fuller. If you have yet to read her, she writes with consideration and grace about subjects that are neither pretty or nice, but so true. a genius and lives in Wyoming. She was born in England, grew up in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe).

Day 5. Favorite quotes

You cannot find peace by avoiding life.

-Virginia Woolf

Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are.

-Bernice Johnson Reagon

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience by which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along."

-Eleanor Roosevelt

When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.

- Buddha

I truly don't have this perspective yet, but i am working on it.

Keep Smiling and Viya Con Dios

- My Dad, always said these things to me and I have always remembered them. He also told me, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Love you Dad.

Day 3

I thought of a TV program finally! I like drama so I loved Spartacus, but truly what got me laughing again was the politically incorrect and not so smart Chelsea Lately. I also have loved Six Feet Under, and my new show which is ok Parenthood.

30 days

Angie at Still Life With Circles thought of this great idea of writing 30 posts in 30 days on our blogs, I will be joining her. I love the idea, especially since October kicks off

Pregnancy Loss and Awareness month. Plus, it will get me writing and reading some more. I do want to continue blogging, talking about everything here helps me wrap my head around what is going on. And, I think it is so important to keep talking about all of these issues, so many families face the devastating loss of a pregnancy and infant. On that note, I loved reading the Position Statement for the MISS foundation on Dr Cacciatore's blog. I found it to be very helpful for finding the words that I can use when someone says "why didn't you just go on bed rest?" (maybe she would be here). Maybe, in addition to dealing with our own guilt and grief, we also need to educate people about pregnancy loss and the emotional aftermath it leaves for the families dealing with the loss of a dream?

Here is the list:

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child, or one that you can't listen to anymore and why.
Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.
Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.
Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?
Day 5 - your favorite quote.
Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy.
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad.
Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss.
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 11 - a photo of you recently and how it makes you feel seeing it now.
Day 12 - something you are OCD about.
Day 13 - a fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 14 - a non-fictional book that is meaningful to you since your loss.
Day 15 - what you like about your house.
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly).
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc) that moves you.
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding.
Day 19 - a talent of yours.
Day 20 - a hobby of yours and how it changed since your loss.
Day 21 - a recipe.
Day 22 - a website that has been meaningful since your loss.
Day 23 - a youtube video that makes you laugh.
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit since your child's death.
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

I'll start today, but I'm a little late, so I will do the first 2.

1. I Will Remember You, Sarah McLachlan. I have always loved that song. pretty hard to listen too without crying.

2. Loved Up, the part about the miscarriage. I love Legends of the Fall. What can I say, I love horses, cows, gorgeous vistas in Montana, and drama. It stands out to me in a different way now, miscarriage and infertility and how devastating they can be for families.

09.17.2010

I am feeling better.

Defeated

Angry

Sad

Confused

Scared

Unlucky

All of those, and still my kids and animals need me. What a relief it is to have them.

Miscarriage feels so different to me than stillbirth. Stillbirth for me was such a darker, scarier and totally overwhelming place. I felt guilt, sadness, deflated, full of milk, in pain physically, and certainly grieving.

Miscarriage to me is different because the grief is not as all consuming or maybe the reminder of pregnancy goes away faster, I feel like I am almost back to my pre-pregnant self. Whereas with stillbirth I was still in the throws of sobbing, puffy faced, in pain, dripping milk, missing my baby who was almost here.

I saw my baby, but he fit in my hand, he had so much longer to grow in my belly. I miss you little baby and I miss you Jolene.

I have been reading Faces of Loss Faces of Hope. A few years ago, that website would have been the scariest place for me to visit on the web, now I can't stop reading the stories of women who have experienced loss. I also think of the 1 in 4 women who do experience miscarriage, stillbirth and infant loss. It feels to me that loss is part of birth and a huge part of the reproductive years in our lives. And it reminds me of how little control we have over getting pregnant, birth and death.

Thank you for your nice comments. I so appreciate them.

No more "rainbow" baby

I went in for the NT scan test at 12.5 weeks, our little baby had a gorgeous heartbeat and was moving around, I was so happy. I did have a cry in the office about my stillbirth because I was so nervous of not seeing a heart beat, it was a good release of emotions really because I was so happy this baby was going to make it. 10 days later I had small brown spot, I thought nothing to worry about but I 'll call to make sure.

I went in and we did a scan, there he was, my still baby, no heartbeat.

My husband is taking this really hard, I hope I do not lose him. He was really on board with having just one more when we got pregnant with Jolene, and then this baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby, hope and happiness after going through HELL. He thinks it is his fault, he may be grieving this more than me right now.

On this time in my life, things seem so out of my control, getting pregnant, staying pregnant and now having a gorgeous baby in my arms 9 months later. It feels so totally out of my control and I cannot trust my body or even hope at this time.

I am so thankful for the two children I have, I am so glad that I had kids young, and my pregnancies were happy, normal and healthy. My children are keeping me alive and moving forward as well as this great fear of losing my mind and my husband.

Keep kicking me down, I guess I have not learned my lesson yet.

The End...

I was 14.5 weeks pregnant, yesterday that is, today no heartbeat beating in my tiny little baby's chest. Not AGAIN. Yes, AGAIN.

The tears will come, the pain will come, has it yet to go away?

D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

We did no tell anyone I was pregnant, not even our kids knew because we wanted to spare them this pain again.

Thank God.

Dear Baby,

I miss you my little star, I was already dreaming of your name and writing it down, I love you, find your sister and give her a hug.

love always, your Mama.

This is the End of my blogging, I don't know where to go from here, where should I go?