No more "rainbow" baby

I went in for the NT scan test at 12.5 weeks, our little baby had a gorgeous heartbeat and was moving around, I was so happy. I did have a cry in the office about my stillbirth because I was so nervous of not seeing a heart beat, it was a good release of emotions really because I was so happy this baby was going to make it. 10 days later I had small brown spot, I thought nothing to worry about but I 'll call to make sure.

I went in and we did a scan, there he was, my still baby, no heartbeat.

My husband is taking this really hard, I hope I do not lose him. He was really on board with having just one more when we got pregnant with Jolene, and then this baby was supposed to be our rainbow baby, hope and happiness after going through HELL. He thinks it is his fault, he may be grieving this more than me right now.

On this time in my life, things seem so out of my control, getting pregnant, staying pregnant and now having a gorgeous baby in my arms 9 months later. It feels so totally out of my control and I cannot trust my body or even hope at this time.

I am so thankful for the two children I have, I am so glad that I had kids young, and my pregnancies were happy, normal and healthy. My children are keeping me alive and moving forward as well as this great fear of losing my mind and my husband.

Keep kicking me down, I guess I have not learned my lesson yet.

The End...

I was 14.5 weeks pregnant, yesterday that is, today no heartbeat beating in my tiny little baby's chest. Not AGAIN. Yes, AGAIN.

The tears will come, the pain will come, has it yet to go away?

D&C scheduled for tomorrow.

We did no tell anyone I was pregnant, not even our kids knew because we wanted to spare them this pain again.

Thank God.

Dear Baby,

I miss you my little star, I was already dreaming of your name and writing it down, I love you, find your sister and give her a hug.

love always, your Mama.

This is the End of my blogging, I don't know where to go from here, where should I go?

One year ago...

It's been year that I saw your face and felt your body outside mine. You were a beauty baby, I was so sad. I so miss you and I love you. I hope you they have birthday cake in heaven, you will love it, it is sweet and lovely, just like you.

Please come to me in my dreams again soon.

love, m

June 8, 2009

It's almost her day. It's almost the day I would see my baby and say goodbye to her little body. Ofcourse, I would be saying goodbye to the dream of a new child, my Jolene Marie Grace, over the next months and year. I can't believe it's almost been a year, I am always going to miss her.

Goodbye my baby
Dreamgirl
You are my dreamgirl
I miss you, I wish I heard you laugh, I wish I heard you cry
I wish I nursed you, I wish I was watching you learn to walk
I wish you could feel the love of your brother and sister
I wish for you a life, a life of ups and downs, of pain and love
I wish for you a life
I wish it for you and not just for me, I wished for you
and prayed sweet whispers for you to come into our lives.
And you did, and then you left us with our hopes and dreams for you shattered.
Our dreams for you were to be here breathing. I would be proud to hear your breath and watch your chest move up and down and feel your warm skin against mine.
You are always going to be my dreamgirl.
I love you Jolene Marie Grace- I hope we will meet again someday soon.
love, xo

June 3, 2010

Almost one year. I think I remember this time last year. A big pregnant belly, people told me I looked beautiful and happy. I was, I was expecting a gorgeous new baby, my little boy was turning 8. It was a summer. I did have a nagging feeling that something was not right with my pregnancy. I had not been feeling her nudge or kick at me all the time like my two other babies did. I missed her kicking me. I played music and drank cold water and a soft nudge would come. I thought everything was really ok, but as it turns out this was a sign that she was slipping through my fingers like fairy dust she was just a dream that could slip through. I miss her.

I miss her. I love her.

I am sad today for her and really for me. Because it took us a year to get pregnant with her and now my body does not want to pregnant again. It is really sad this journey of baby loss followed by infertility. Is it a sign? Should I not have another? I guess I will just let this thought go too, let it go and see what happens...?

Thinking of all you mothers who have a had baby in your arms and you love them without condition with all your heart. You heart truly does live outside your chest. I do know that.

On dreams

Lately, I have been remembering dreams again. I remember them so vividly these days. They are all about parenting, mothering an infant. Most of the time, I am nursing and holding a wee babe. The babe is nestled in the crook of my arm, and we are staring at each other, the baby is nursing and laughing and smiling. The baby always has dark, curly, brown hair, and a gorgeous smile.

I wonder if this is Jolene coming to me?

Is this a different child who is waiting to be born from me?

I don't know which, all I know is a I have an overwhelming urge to parent and love and mother an infant. Maybe it's my hormones?

My postpartum hormones telling me you should have a baby right now, you should be nursing, so here you go, a child who is in your dreams... I don't know...?

Today

I am here, I am breathing, the sun rose, the children woke up, the dogs needed to go out, the rooster began his good morning song. The coffee was brewed, lunches made, kids on the bus. And here I am.
Life goes on. And, I miss her, I miss my baby. She should be here laughing at me and eating oatmeal.

Life goes on, and I am sitting here thinking about how life does go on. Is it time that changes things or is it life that just goes on? I still have a heart full of love, still have a heart full of sadness, yet I am here breathing. That is kind of amazing to me. The fact that I did not melt away.
I still feel anxiety attack me in the middle of the night, it shakes me awake and I lie wondering why? Why me, why her? Why us? I am working really hard on noticing when anxiety creeps in and takes hold of my mind, it is such an unhealthy feeling, I begin to question all that I am, my marriage, my self. I am here, my heart is pure, it is love, it is sad.
What is is that heals us, is it waking every day and greiving? Is it waking every day and loving through grief? It is shaky, it is groundless, it is not here or there, who am I now that I am recognizing "this me?" This me who knows how horrible death is, this me who knows that death comes knocking on my door, death comes and I watch death kidnap my child from my arms, my belly, my heart, my dreams.
All I can think is have I loved today? Have I shown the world that I have loved? I am going to keep trying, keep showing the world my broken, loving heart. It is exposed and I have found it again.
I think I will go throw hay to the hungry horses, scatter some scratch for the chickens, go to work, and just keep breathing.