its been awhile

I can't believe I let June 9 go without a post saying "happy birthday" to my Jolene. I hiked to where we scattered her ashes in a river with her little brother and her Dad.

I miss her.  I miss who she could,would be.

She was here, she lived, she grew, she moved, she existed.

She was my baby.


Happy Birthday Jolene. Wish you lived.

***And, with this post, I think my this blog has come to an end... I will always love you baby.***

A baby boy is born...

It is January 2012, it has been 2.5 years since my little girl was born, she would be 2 and a half, talking, laughing, dancing, playing, she is also a big sister.

We had a gorgeous little boy born early at 36.4 weeks, but healthy and big at 7 lbs even in early December. He is growing and thriving and I am so grateful. My pregnancy was full of anxiety, and joy. On the one hand, I was so grateful to be able to experience another pregnancy with a kicking baby and a baby who had a beautiful heartbeat. On the other hand, I had daily anxious thoughts about his safe arrival. I began my pregnancy with a regular ob, and in the end began seeing a high risk MFM, which was so amazing. The twice weekly NST's were both nerve wracking and helpful. It simply was the longest 9 months of my life.

I went into preterm labor, starting at 31 weeks, something I have never done, I think it was the stress. They stopped the labor three times after I had gone into L&D at 31 weeks, I was on procardia for contractions until my water broke.

Even when my water broke, I was not joyous, only deeply concerned, thinking things like, will his cord prolapse? Will my placenta pull away from the uterus, will my c-sectioned belly rupture? The drive to the hospital, I prayed all the while knowing that anything can happen, it happened before, remember?

And so, I stand on the other side of her stillbirth with empty arms for her and the dreams I had for her, I still miss her so. And I stand here with a new life, a little boy who I hope and dream for, I hope he has a beautiful life. The grief over her is still there. The joy of this new baby is there too. Here is the little dude, going to run a few errands with his Mom, he is a happy little baby and I am so thankful for him. There is so much more to write, but for now...

thinking on something...

I have been thinking and reading and working and living...been thinking about posting and writing a lot, I come up with words and stories in my head and words come out to play for awhile then they're gone again.
But, alas. I always have three words that sum up how I feel these days.

Her name was Jolene.

Her name was Jolene. I got pregnant, yeah! After a year of trying, we got pregnant, I grew big and pretty with a baby in my belly. Every appointment was lovely and everything looked normal and fine. We were having a baby. Our two older kids knew her and felt her kick and they were excited too.
Just the other day, my girl and I were shopping for a birthday present for her friend and we saw a really cute fuzzy lamb eared jacket, and she says with a proud smile, "Mama, that would look really cute on Jolene, too bad we can't see her in it though," I did not know what to say other than, "Yes, it would." Then she looks down at the jacket in her hand and she says,"But she's dead."

That about sums it up. You know you are a part of the club when you are engorged with milk, your arms ache for your child, and then you see her on the table in front of you in a box of ashes.

been thinking about others out there as well...I hope for peace and happiness for you all too.

a dream- day 30

I have always, always had the dream of sitting on a covered porch in the mountains in the West somewhere, drinking a cup of tea, coffee, or wine, sitting with my husband as the grey of dusk settles in around us, the blue lake in front of us begins to shimmer and shine, mountains tower above the pasture where we see our cows and horses grazing content, peaceful. The calves are still nursing and foals are still with their mothers, it is fall. Leaves are brown, the grass is brown, "It is almost weaning time," I say.

My husband nods and we still gaze out on our land, hand in hand, on our rockers. We might even have the grandkids there that weekend.
Maybe...dreaming it so...

Day 29

Hopes, dreams, plans for the next 365 days.

I hope to lose some weight. I hope to clarify my reproductive future, I am planning another half-marathon, I am dreaming of traveling to some exotic location. I am hoping for inspiration and passion to drive me forward and help me to really live. I am planning on teaching, writing, loving, living. I hope for health for everyone in my life inlcuding me. I am dreaming of a time when I can see my girl in my dreams again soon. I miss you my girl.

Day 28- what's in your handbag

since I dont carry a handbag, I can say nothing! I do carry a checkbook/wallet. I do have a cell phone. Sometimes, I wish I had a gorgeous handbag to carry things in, but I find I just don't need one. When I am travelling away from home, I find I need a handbag, in it goes my wallet, chapstick, phone, ipod, hair ties, I have looonnngg hair, small travel brush, gum.

A New Day - Day 26 and 27

Day 26
Every day is busy and every day is different for me. If kids are in school, then I am teaching Pilates and riding horses. I ride my younger horse, because she need to be ridden. I was having a friend ride her when I was pregnant, now I am back to riding again and it feels great. Although, i would much rather be have a healthy baby in my belly. Riding for me is such a fantastic way to unwind and de-stress and get out of my head for a while. You have to be present and in the present moment when you ride.
I love a teaching Pilates and also doing Pilates. It has helped me so much. I also love walking and running.

My husband's schedule is all over the place, so we really rely on me most of the time for kids activities and running around for them. He does try to help when he can, and he really loves taking them to practice. It is busy with after school stuff going on and homework. Then, some social activities during the weekend, love the weekend! Right now it is going to football games, season tickets and college football games too.

Day 27.
My worst habit since I lost my baby...getting lost in thought , wondering where my baby is, who she would be and what the hell happened as to why she died. really, just getting lost in my head is my worst habit. I hope it gets better.

On that note...I am having the hardest time with "should I have another baby?" I am thinking sao hard these days, my head hurts. Should I stop trying to have another baby? Should i just try one more time?